Confession of a Killer, Letter to L Lawliet
by OwlishEyesAndAvidQuill
Summary: LightxL, Light-centric. Light's memories have been reclaimed - but the compelling feelings he has for L grow stronger every day... WARNING. CONTAINS SPOILERS. Extremely angsty. One-Shot. T because of the serious themes throughout.


**Author's Note: **Hi, I'm OwlishEyesAndAvidQuill (hoot, lol OvO). I decided to write this Light-centric One-Shot (well, it wasn't really me. My fingers were adamant about typing this, so I decided to just keep my mouth shut and go along with it) that reflects one of (if not my ultimate) favourite pairings: LxLight. Sorry if Light seems a little OOC... So enjoy! And please review, I know that I need to improve! _Warning: Extreme spoilers and an angst-fest!_

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**LETTERS TO L LAWLIET:**

Every day.

Every day since those memories of spilled blood and mind-games returned to me...

..._I knew that I had to kill you._

_I knew that I wanted you dead._

But with each growing day, I feel the my resolve wither and dwindle to near-nothingness. I feel my courage drop. I feel my heart shift from hard, unmovable stone to a sad, quivering mass of guilt and regret.

I have a solemn duty; a duty to become the God of the New World. And I am righteous in my crusade! I am just! I have sacrificed my own well-being, held my loved ones at arm's length, become a cold, calculating killer - and all for the cause; my true calling in this life. I have compromised my peace of mind to clean up this rotten, unfair world; to dispell misery and fear from the hearts of my devoted followers. It hasn't been easy for me, especially with _you_ in the way. But right now, it is going perfectly, wondrously... it's almost too good to be true. You're playing right into the capable hands of a true god. You just don't have a clue anymore, do you? But... _If only_...

...If only my selfish heart could comply. If only it could yield to my demands, and dare I even admit it, my _pleas_.

Because all it wants to do is to tell you the truth. To look into those huge, questioning, slate-grey eyes and be goddamn _honest_ with you for once. Because... I've never met anyone like you. You're completely different from anyone else that I've ever met! We clash and we exchange bitter, ugly words from behind masks of a polite co-working relationship. And now I want my mask to fall. And it's too late.

And it's _all my fault_.

So now I sit next to you, the sliver, interlocking chain keeping us together, yet keeping us apart; it's a constant reminder of my duties and your suspicions. I'm looking at you, watching you deduce with that able, brilliant mind of yours, chewing on your thumb in an infuriatingly adorable manner. Surely you must have noticed me staring by now...

Your head turns to face me, making your soft, spiked hair swish along with it, and I have to stop the signs - my heart races, my eyes widen ever-so-slightly, a weird sensation bubbles in the pit of my stomach. Whenever I feel this way, I also feel like all of the pairs of eyes in the room are firmly fixed upon me. It's embarrasing and ultimately shocking, but regrettably too true; _Light Yagami can't handle the attention_. Whenever I look at you, I feel like a completely different person. You make me feel sick and tired of the burden of Kira. You drain me of my thirst for power.

You take your thumb out of your mouth - and there's a trace of a smile lingering on your pale lips. You can't know... can you? I must have been staring at you for way too long. I'm - I'm not gay! Why do you look amused? Why do you always leave me so flustered and self-conscious? Why - _why do you make me feel this way_?

I turn away from you, swivelling around my chair, my mood growing darker. _Damn you, L_...

Gulit leaps up in my heart like the flames of hell. You can't possibly know, though... can you?

You can't possibly know that you're going to die?

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_All I ever wanted was to kiss you._

_All I ever wanted was to kill you._

_All I ever wanted was for you to be mine..._

_..And I guess in death, you will be. I took your life, L Lawliet. I held you as you died._

_Kira is pleased._

_Light Yagami... he felt like dying along with you. Because life without you is no life at all._

_Oh, he would have done other things, if Kira hadn't smiled at the death of his adversary. He may have held you close. He may have stroked your hair. He may have shed tears._

_Who am I anymore?_

_But soon, that will no longer matter. Even Light Yagami will be pleased once more; after he goes back inside; after he's stopped kneeling in the middle of the street as the Witching Hour envelopes Japan._

_After he stops weeping for the enemy and moves on for the sake of the New World._

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**Author's Note:** Uh, yeah, so that was... kind of depressing... I had fun playing with the language and exploring the characters, though. So, did I do okay? It was angsty and short, but I hope you enjoyed it! There were so many uses of "I" in this fic. Oh, Light. You're so self-centred :D Don't worry, I still love you, though! And L... I didn't want you to die, and I enjoy FanFics when he doesn't - but he had to suffer for the sake of this particular Fic TT_TT

Please review! I need advice on improvements to be made!

Thanks so much for reading,

OEAAQ

Xx


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